apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize