I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
