he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
