I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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