I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
