Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
