I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize