mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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