someone threw a dead crab at me
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
