ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
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