I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
