Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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