he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
