Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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