I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
