I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
