My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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