Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
