Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
