We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
