this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Randomize
