I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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