i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
