just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
