well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Randomize
