this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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