I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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