i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
