Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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