how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
