you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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