fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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