I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Randomize