I never want to see another naked old woman again.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
