Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
50% drunk capacity currently
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
