i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
