at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
