I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
