I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
