Screwed.edu
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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