i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My balls are so social today.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
