At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
