bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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