If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
When did angry sex become our thing?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
