i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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