Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
