I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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