Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
