I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Randomize
