all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
