hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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