My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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