the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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