hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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