Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
