So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
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