So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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