Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
