I must be too annoying 4 u.
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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