What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
