Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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