Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
