How'd it feel making her break her religion?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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