he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
And then my night got REAL pukey
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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